Praise the Lord O My Soul!

Praise the LORD, O my soul; and all that is within me, praise his holy name! -Psalms 103:1

On September 16, 2010 of this year (a day after my birthday), we found out that we were expecting again. I was filled with many emotions, but the main one that I experienced was that of shock. Since we miscarried in July, our doctor suggested that we waited a month and then try again. In my mind I decided that we should wait until October or November before trying again. I guess I was thinking that this would give my body a bit more time to heal since this was my 2nd pregnancy in one year, so finding out that I was pregnant came as a bit of a surprise, even though it really shouldn't have.

Since September 16th, I've been flooded with many emotions...and some of those emotions make me so mad at myself. I put up walls again in my heart to protect myself in case we lost this baby too. I haven't allowed myself to get excited...I've just been very guarded. Don't get me wrong, I was excited...I really was, I just didn't want to allow myself to feel excited.

My choice in how I've reacted to the news that our family was going to continue to grow has made me upset with myself. I started to put superstition above God. Here, we've just experienced God like we never had before with our journey with Joshua. He revealed Himself to us and was always present, not leaving us for one moment, and yet, I was making decisions based on decisions that I had made in the past. Examples of this would be, I didn't call my doctor until I was almost 7 weeks along, because last time, I called right away and then I miscarried. Or I didn't call to make an appointment to get my haircut because last time right after I did, I had the miscarriage. How stupid is this?!? My God is so much bigger than any superstitious stuff, yet this was a really big struggle for me. Like I've said, I've made myself really mad at myself because again, I've failed to keep my eyes on The One who has never left my side or turned His back on me. The One who I owe it all.

I've also been mad at myself because this baby has deserved more from me emotionally than what I've given the past several weeks. No matter what the outcome is, this baby deserves my entire heart and up until today, I hadn't given it.

We had our 10 week check up on October 29th. Even after hearing the baby's heartbeat at 140 BPM, I still couldn't relax and be completely happy. I've been through this before...for 18 weeks hearing my precious Joshua's heartbeat and feeling so reassured that everything was ok, to find out that it wasn't ok. Even though hearing the heartbeat of this baby was music to my ears, it still didn't give me any peace.

Emotionally, we've had to move a lot slower with this pregnancy. It's been taking baby steps each day just to go forward. We're being very cautious.

Today we went for our first ultrasound. We got to see our beautiful baby bouncing all over the place. The baby spent most of it's time showing off how he/she can suck his/her thumb, which he/she gets that from both parents. Yes it was amazing to see our child...but you know what was even better???? We got to see 2, yes you read correctly, 2 beautiful kidneys that had blood flowing to them. We got to watch the bladder fill up with urine, we got to see the stomach and we got to see that there was plenty of amniotic fluid. When I heard that there was two kidneys I said out loud "thank you God, I only asked for one and you blessed me with two!". As we got to watch the scan go over our baby's body, Jon didn't see any feet. We clearly saw legs, but no feet, so he asked the technician if the baby had feet. At this point, I wanted to say who cares about limbs...we can deal with that later, our baby has all of it's organs. But the technician spoke before I got my comment out, "yes, your baby has feet, everything looks fine".

Going into this ultrasound was filled with mix emotions, but mostly feelings of anxiousness. We kept telling God all day long, no matter what the results are, you are still God, you are good, and worthy of all our praise.

So today with this ultrasound there were a lot of tears shed, but tears of pure joy and thankfulness...our baby has all of it's organs and is healthy.

I would like to humbly ask again for continued prayers of healing as we continue to grieve Joshua along with continued growth, development and health of our newest little addition.

Thank you so much for your love, prayers and support.

Love,
Jonathan and Kristin

P.S. Don't forget that we serve a God who loves us so deeply and knows us so intimately. His ways are perfect and no matter what...He is worthy of our praise!!!

It Is Well with My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

This is the song that we sang today in church. It's also the story behind this song that was shared at Joshua's graveside service and if I remember, we also sang it. (Honestly, I remember some details like it was yesterday, and then other details are a blur). Regardless, this song means a lot to us. We are normally listening to and singing the Kutless version of this song (as we blare it from our ipod), but it's always nice to hear and sing the old hymnal version too.

When I sing this song, I mean every word of it, especially when it comes to my son...but today, as we sang the first verse "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul", I found myself unable to sing the words and anger just explode from my body in the form of tears. I immediately got up from my seat and went to the lady's room and stayed there until I heard that the song was over.

I said to you all that I would be transparent with my journey with Joshua. But there is something that I am not sharing, that is until now. I haven't had the right mindset or the right motives to do so. I am enraged with ANGER. I feel as if there is so much anger inside of me that people can smell it's awful stench radiating from me. I feel like this putrid smell just permeates from ever pour in my body. It's horrible to be filled with such anger and at some points even hatred. For the most part, this anger has been kept a secret. Yes a few close friends have known about my struggle. (Lord, thank you for those friends...the ones who have had to listen to me over and over again talk through the same thing...rehashing every single detail and always being so gracious just to sit there and listen to me over and over again. At times, I must sound like a broken record).

As I begin to share with you where this anger is coming from, you will probably be surprised. For the past several months I've wanted to share this, but not knowing how and appropriately sharing it. But this did happen to Jon and I, and this is part of our journey with Joshua.

Before I begin, I must make it VERY CLEAR that God is good...ALL THE TIME. He is perfect, we are not...even Christians...especially Christians. We may go to church on Sunday, believe the Bible and try to live our lives according to what the Bible says, but we ALL fall short...we ALL have areas that are in need of the Savior to come and cleanse...and once that area is cleansed, we as humans seem to mess it up again and need to be cleansed all over again. I've heard it said "why would I want to be a Christian, __________ (fill in the blank: you can't get along with each other, you're a bunch of hypocrite, you live your life no differently than the rest of the world, I'm not a Christian yet I'm a better person than ______... and so on). What I want you to know is that Christians are still humans, we all have a sinful nature and while we are on this side of heaven, we are going to screw up. We'll say and do things that we shouldn't and at times be the worst witnesses for Christ. BUT our eyes should not be on people or churches...it has to be set on GOD the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. If our eyes are set on God, He will never fail us, BUT if our eyes are set on man, we will always be failed.

With what I am about to share, is how "man" failed us...not how God did. Everything that I've shared about God and the amazing journey that He led us on has been very real and transparent.

So many of you have written to us through cards or e-mails have even called and just shared how Joshua and our journey has impacted your life. It has been wonderful and comforting to hear how God used our son in your life to impact you. But why is it when literally hundreds of positive comments, cards and notes of encouragement can turn to mean so much less when you are confronted by seven individuals who criticize you on how you handled your circumstance? I've been told that I'm fake, I don't deal with reality, that I have too much Faith, I'm too "Word of Faith" (never hearing this phrase prior to Joshua...and trust me, I've done a lot of research on this since hearing this as an "insult"), I'm hurting others feelings with my Faith, I am offensive in my Faith and that I have it all wrong when it comes to God. These seven people who have criticized us are believers. I believe that these people love the Lord, but these seven individuls did not walk this journey with us yet they sat back and watched us (not making any contact with us) read my blogs and after my son's death decided that it was time for them to share their thoughts with us and judge us.

I'm sharing this with you because we live in America, where there is a church on every corner. We live in a "Christian Nation". But we all have been "wounded by the church", almost everyone has their own personal story: we've been let down in our time of need, we've been gossipped about, things that shouldn't have ever been done were done in the "Name of Jesus". BUT this is not who God is. The only way to know who God is and His character is to be in His Word and spending time with Him. To know Him.

So, this is our hurt, our wound by a small community of believers...7 in total. Like I said before, hundreds of you have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us...I should be focused on the positive, but I've been consumed with the small negative.

I'm not sharing this with you to get compliments...I don't want that and it's not my intentions. I'm sharing with you that someimes when hard times come, sometimes you are let down and sometimes you are very wounded...and that's where we are right now.

So, when the beautiful song began to play and I began thinking of my beautiful son that I love and so much miss, and my Lord that I love and that I want to serve with all my heart, I couldn't sing "When peace like a river attendeth my way" becuase I feel like my peace was stolen from me by the things that have been said to us and that makes me so angry. It has made me question God and who He is. I've been to a very dark place, and I'm not back from it yet. It makes me angry with myself at how weak I am...how being persecuted by 7 individuals has rocked my world, my view on God and has had so much negative affect on my life and the grieving process with my son. I'm angry because I KNOW how God was with me, how He carried me, how He provided for me and how in a time of persecution I've failed Him and I listen to men and took my eyes off of Him. I HATE how these destractions have caused me not to grieve my son's death like I should have and that I'm just starting the process now.

The other night Jon and I were in the car and Angie Smith, the author of "I Will Carry You" was on the radio and talking about her daught Audrey. Jon and I just sat in the driveway, held eachothers hand and cried for 30 minutes as she spoke. I needed that. I needed to hear that someone else knew what we were feeling, I needed the memories to resurface of my baby and our journey with him. I needed that time to cry and reflect. I know that God gave me a special gift that night, because it was the one year anniversary of us getting Joshua's diagnosis. What a sweet and precious gift that God gave us at that moment.

Before I close, I want you to know that I am taking steps in working on this. I'm not willing to stay where I am and I refuse to go back to where I've been. I've decided that it is so important that I know for myself (not what others tell me) who God is. Yes, I know God and His character, but because of the things that have been said to me, my foundation has been shaken... there are cracks in my spiritual foundation. I'm rebuilding that foundation by reading the Bible through chronological order and trying to give back God control of my life. I've found it to be amazing and very encouraging and very fulfilling to do this.

So, here it is...all out on the table...the good, the bad and the ugly...the truth of what's in my heart and our journey.

If you smell an aweful stench around you...it's probably me and the anger that is still with me...but with God's help, we're working on it and one day may it be a beautiful aroma pleaseing to God.

Thank you all again for everything. You are amazing and may God just continue to bless each of you and your families.

With a Heart of Gratitude and Love,
Kristin

Through A Coach's Eyes

I tried out for cheerleading at Bethel College in the spring of 1997, at the end of my senior year of high school. After a lot of hard work I made the team. During the summer Bethel College offers sports camps to the community and I was asked to help out with the cheerleading camp. That is the first time that I met Becca Staples.

I remember like it was yesterday Becca walking through the Acorn doors (now the President’s Room) where we held the camp. I remember working with her and teaching her cheers, chants, dances, jumps and all the stuff cheerleaders do. I don’t know why she stuck out to me at that time but she did. She was a natural.

During my time in college I would see Becca walking around campus or coming to games with her father. Other than seeing her from a distance, we didn’t have much contact. That was until our paths would cross again in 2003, when Jon and I were hired on as the cheerleading coaches at Bethel College. When we were hired the current team had already been chosen for us. As we were meeting with the team for the first time, in walks Becca Staples.

Coaching Becca was so much fun and I’m sure at times a frustration for both of us. One thing with Becca, I could always count on her give her all. She was a hard worker, determined to succeed and try anything that I would ask of her fearlessly. She was a natural leader.

We resigned as coaches at Bethel College and Becca took over as assistant coach for awhile and now has taken over and is currently the Head Cheerleading Coach. Every now and then we get the opportunity to help Becca with tryouts or with practices.

Last year Becca and I were pregnant together. In September, Becca lost her first baby. My heart broke for her, but I didn’t understand the depth of the pain she was experiencing. All I had were prayers that I could lift up on her and Ronnie’s behalf. During the middle of the basketball season, we were able to be pregnant together again…and this time, she would have a happy ending.

I believe that during the past year Becca and I have been able to learn a lot about life and how precious it really is. I think that we understand how important prayer truly is in every part of our lives, especially with pregnancy.

I’ve started reading through my Bible in chronological order and came to this verse in Genesis 4:1 … ”With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” (Eve is talking about when she gave birth to her son Cain). Pregnancy and the gift of children, the gift of life is something that we can’t achieve on our own…it’s only through God that He blesses us and helps us.

Shortly before Becca’s due date we were talking and I just gave her some “helpful hints”. She asked me if I would want to be in the delivery room with her and help coach her through labor and delivery. I believe she even said to me, you coached me through cheerleading, you can coach me through this too.

I was completely honored by this request, so of course I said yes, but did she really know what she was getting herself into? I wanted to be sensitive to Becca and her family. I didn’t want them to feel like I was intruding and gave them permission at anytime to change their minds with having me in the delivery room with her.

I had been praying for Becca, Ronnie and baby Emery a lot, but now I knew that I needed to pray even more. I got the call last Tuesday night that Becca was going in to get induced. My heart hurt for Becca, because I too was put on pitocin and it was horrible. I read a facebook status that said that the midwife would be thrilled if Becca had Emery by 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday! (Seriously??? That is way to long to be kept on that horrible medication, especially since Becca wanted to do this on her own, no pain medication).

I was kept up to speed throughout the day on Wednesday and after I got off work, I went home, changed and was off to the hospital. Before I continue, I need to share that I would be going back to the same hospital where I delivered Joshua. I know that some might find this odd that not only would I put myself in a position to go into a delivery room with someone else, but to go back to the same hospital where I gave birth and lost my son. I want to tell you that I love the labor and delivery floor, especially at Memorial Hospital. This wasn’t my first time back…more like 3rd or 4th time back since losing Joshua. I love it because there is so much joy, anticipation, happiness…there is life on this floor. It also gives me hope that someday I too can be back there giving birth to another child that I can hold and love, just like I was able to do with Joshua.

Ok, back to Becca…because this post is all about her. As I walked through the triage doors back to her room, I saw Ronnie standing at the end of the hallway with a big smile on his face. I was so happy and excited for him I started crying.

I was then led into the labor/delivery room where Becca was. As I walked in, it was dark in the room, with a dim light on, there was no sound at all and the light smell of peppermint filled the room. I thought that I had just enterd a spa, not a delivery room. There Becca was holding onto her mother’s hand quietly, peacefully going through a contraction. While I was with Becca as she labored, this is all I witnessed. I know that she was in pain, I could see it in her eyes, in her facial expressions, but she was a rock. She had this presence about her that was so beautiful…she was just full of life and beauty.

We could see that she was getting tired. Her mom and I would just look at each other and tears would fill our eyes. I know that at anytime, Lisa or I would have gladly taken her place just to give her some time to rest and be free of pain and discomfort. As we would hold Becca’s hands and rub her back during each contraction we were also praying for Becca, Emery, her midwife and nursing staff. (Ronnie was being a great husband and fanning Becca...I just don't want you to think that he wasn't by her side, because he was...he was wonderful).

When it was finally time to start pushing I just asked God to allow this part to go quickly because I knew that Becca was tired. I just wanted Becca to be able to have her sweet baby girl safe in her arms.

As the midwife was explaining to Becca what she wanted her to do, I felt the need to pipe in and explain to Becca in cheerleading terms what she was saying…"Becca, just pretend that you are doing a tuck…you can do this!" As Becca was pushing, it was amazing to see such strength, perseverance, elegance and grace that she showed. The love that she, as a mother had at that time for her child regardless of the pain and exhaustion she was temporarily experiencing and just fighting through it was amazing and so selfless.

To hear the cheerful laughs from Ronnie with the pure joy and excitement that he was experiencing was incredible.

To hear the encouragement from Becca’s mom, the laughter as she saw Emery coming and the tears of joy streaming down her face was amazing.

Everything about Emery’s birth, the experience and the emotions is so very hard to put into words. It was wonderful, amazing, incredible, fantastic, beautiful…all of these words just don’t seem to give it justice. What I do know is that God is so big and so amazing and ALWAYS provides for us and gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

Thank you Ronnie, Becca, Lisa and little Emery for such a wonderful gift you allowed me to share and experience with you. Becca, you did a great job and made giving birth look easy! You are a rock and an inspiration.

Love, Kristin

P.S. Becca, I really think that all those standing back tucks and back tuck baskets that we made you practice all of those years really paid off because you pushed little Emery out in no time at all. See cheerleading does have a purpose in life. =)

Where Did the Summer Go?

I can’t believe that fall is here already! It’s my favorite season, but I do have to admit, summer went by way too fast.

In June we took a road trip some close friends Bill and Alicia Hulsey and their kids and Tim and Ruth Weldy and their girls to visit the Long family in Waxahachie, TX. We piled into a Suburban and an Expedition and we were on our way. The adults were out numbered: 7 children to 6 adults. (For some reason, the couple that didn’t have kids with them were the ones running behind…hmmm, who could that have been?) We had a blast and the trip to Texas went a lot faster than I thought it would. (I am not good at traveling in a car and get so antsy).

Heather’s mom graciously handed over the keys to her house, so we all could stay together for the week. We enjoyed shopping, eating, swimming, and hanging out together. Oh, I forgot to mention that they guys went hunting for the wildlife that roams in Texas and brought all the women home dinner. Yes, the mighty hunters went squirrel hunting.

We can’t believe that one week with good friends could be so fun and relaxing and go by way too fast.

Jon and I were looking at pictures/videos from our time in Texas the other night and had a good time laughing. Then after that we started to miss everyone greatly and know that things will be changing soon.

Jon and Heather along with Tim and Ruth have felt called to be missionaries over in Bangladesh. Jon and Heather are hoping to begin serving in November of this year and Tim and Ruth hope to begin serving sometime in 2011. With the change of our friends leaving the country, we are busy getting our house ready. Jon and Heather’s youngest two children (Addy and Jack) made the decision to come and live with Jon and I. (Their parents were not present when this decision was made but their grandpa Okayed it). We are so happy with the new addition to our family. This deal was made official with a handshake…so we feel that it’s a binding contract. Jon and Heather, we will take good care of your children. ☺

Even though we are sad that our friends are leaving, we rejoice with them for their willingness to go and serve and teach people about the amazing God we serve. To follow the Longs journey go to www.thelongfamily.org.

This summer has taught me a lot about life and God. There have been some good things that took place, but a lot of stress and sadness.

In June, one of my good friends mother passed away. Then in August, another one of my good friends father passed away. Both were wonderful examples of fighting the good fight and living sold out lives for Christ. My heart is filled with sadness for my friends and their families. I have never asked the question “why” with loosing Joshua. I know the reason why…but I still struggle with asking that very same question for my friends and their loss, even though the answer is the same.

I was listening to Nancy Leigh DeMoss this summer. She had a woman by the name of Rachel Barkley speaking. She is a young mother of two and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. What she said was so amazing and what I needed to hear at that moment. One of the things that she said about dealing with her cancer was this: “I don't ask why because I know the answer, and here it is. We live in a sinful world. Bad things happen, but it was not supposed to be this way, and it will not always be this way. God has a plan. He has made a way for sinful people, you and me, to be with Him in a perfect world. The way is Jesus!”

I love this and it is so true. I just wanted to scream thank you, thank you, thank you when I heard this. Life, but especially death makes you realize that the only guarantee in life is Christ. It’s a very sobering and humbling place to be, but I am so glad to be at this place.

Another struggle that we faced this summer was the joy of finding out that I was pregnant in July. We were so excited, but I didn’t expect the next feelings that I had…guilt. I felt guilty for being pregnant again and happy that we were having another baby. I felt like hadn’t mourned Joshua’s death long enough. We were trying to have another baby not to replace Joshua or to replace the void that is in our heart, we just want to have children.

We shared our news with our family and a few close friends. We knew that we would need prayer with this new journey. The next part was again heartbreaking…we lost this baby too. It was so hard because I felt so good about this pregnancy and didn’t have the fear of losing this baby. It was so painful to call up our family and tell them the sad news. As our hearts were breaking, we were again breaking our loved ones hearts.

This little baby that was with us for only a couple of weeks brought a renewed Hope to our lives. We now knew that it wouldn’t take us over a year to conceive again and the hope to have little ones in our home one day became even more real because of the promises God gives us.

This summer has been a summer of learning more about God, how good He is and how He will always provide.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We love you all.

Kristin

To read Rachel Barkly’s amazing story go to:

Part 1: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10243

Part 2: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=10245

May- Conquering Fear

Imagine your life, wholly untouched by angst. What if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats? If you could hover a fear magnet over your heart and extract every last shaving of dread, insecurity, or doubt, what would remain? Envision the day when you can trust more and fear less. Can you imagine your life without fear? -Max Lucado Fearless

Our Sunday school class at church is doing a book study on Max Lucado’s book Fearless. When I started reading it, I had no clue that the month of May would end up becoming the month to conquer some of my fears. God knows what we need and I guess it was time to step out again and let God work in some areas of my life. For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind, 2 Timothy 1:7.

I’m going to begin with Friday, April 30^th…I know it’s not May, but it was only one day away and it goes along with the topic…conquering fear. In mid April I was asked to speak at a women’s conference, sharing my journey with Joshua and my testimony of what God did in my life during this time. During our journey with Joshua we prayed that our lives would be used to further the kingdom of God and that souls would be won for the kingdom. I knew that with this prayer there was a possibility that that we’d be speaking. I pictured Jon speaking and me interjecting and giving the details that he’d leave out. (Sounds familiar huh? Ha ha) I had never thought that I might be going solo (with God’s help of course) on this adventure.

Growing up I cheered at a very large high school and a medium size college. I was use to being in front of large crowds and entertaining in this way…but when it came to speaking, that was a fear…a big fear I had. One day in college speech class I had to give a speech. There were only three people who showed up, the professor, one of my best friends from middle school and one other student. I stuttered through the whole speech, I was a nervous reck! I knew that sharing our story was something that God wanted me to do, so I said yes, stepping out in faith that God would guide my every word and give me the strength and courage to do this. With a lot of prayer, I was able to speak and share my story with some amazing and gracious woman. I am so thankful for this opportunity to share Joshua and the Lord with others. This event helped me to over come my fear of public speaking and was a very healing time.

Another fear that I’ve been able to conquer this month is my fear of tumbling. The last time that I tumbled was my freshman year in college (13 years ago) when I was doing a round off back handspring series and knocked myself out…literally. Since that happened, I was too afraid to tumble…even with two people spotting me. I’ve never tried to tumble again. Well, my friend Julianne told me that she was going to start taking an adult gymnastic class and I decided that I’d like to take it too. (Ok, I’m 31 years old with the desire to try and tumble again…what was I thinking?)

The first week I felt like a ton of bricks, literally (and looked like it too…just ask Julianne). I was full of fear and didn’t trust the instructor, but even more, I didn’t trust myself. During the next week I prayed about handing my fear over to Christ. I also would vision myself doing a perfect back hand spring in my mind over and over again, step by step. When I went to class the next week things went great…it was completely different than the week before. I felt confident and it felt good to be doing this again. Well, this week was another good week. Not only was I working on back handsprings again, but I was working on round off back hand springs. Even though I’m not tumbling by myself, (I am doing it with a spot) I am tumbling again and over coming my fears. As long as I can, I’m going to go to gymnastics at least a couple of times a month, just to continue with it and to try to tumble by myself. (That will be the next step of fear to overcome). I’m just so glad that I’m not afraid anymore and as of right now, if I were never to tumble again, I’ve left on a good note, not one full of fear.

(Another cool thing about this gymnastic class is that there is a lady in my class that I recognized, but couldn’t figure out from where. As we were talking I realized that she was one of my nurses that I had at the hospital when I had Joshua. Isn’t that awesome?!?)

Now this part isn’t about fear, but it’s about being real. I’ve said in previous posts, I’m going to be real about our situation with Joshua…I’m going to tell about the good times and the hard times. There isn’t any bad in all of this…just sad and hard times, BUT so much good has come from this, which greatly out weighs the sadness.

Mother’s Day was this month and it was really difficult. I knew that Mother’s Day was coming up, but I honestly didn’t think much of it. I’ve never been a big Hallmark holiday type of a gal, so why should this be any different, right? I had gotten a gift for each of our moms along with cards…but didn’t think anything about myself…that is until amazing family and friends went out of their way to bless me with many gifts, flowers, cards, phone calls and my wonderful husband spoiled me rotten making sure that my first Mother’s Day was special. THANK YOU so much to those who love me and loved me through this tough weekend.

Saturday Jon and I were able to just stay around the house and work and clean, which I love to do. Jon had to endure many meltdowns…I knew that I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t want to do anything, yet at the same time I didn’t want to do nothing. It was just a really hard and emotional day…a lot of tears and raw emotions, but so thankful for an awesome and understanding husband that knows me and loves me know matter what.

Like I’ve said before, nothing with the pregnancy or delivery of Joshua was bad…I only have good and positive things to say about it…it was a really good experience, a blessed experience, just with a selfish sadness for ourselves. Some of my emotions were that I just want my baby boy back, but I know that I can’t have him back. I just wanted to hold him one last time, tell him how much I love him. Joshua is a part of our family, he’s my son and I love him, but he is where everyone longs for their children and loved ones to be and that is heaven with Jesus.

This leads me to the final area of conquering fear for the month of May. We are aware that with my one kidney that medically speaking our chances of having another baby with Potter’s syndrome is greater than what it would be if I had both and that the doctors think that it’s genetic, not just a fluke. I know that my God is bigger than this problem and I have faith God will provide for us a healthy baby and that this is no longer going to be a problem in the future. We feel like God wants us to have a family, and that is what we want too. We aren’t afraid to try again…Joshua and his illness only brought love and joy. (With a moment of sadness).

So, with that said, we are officially trying again!!! We are so excited and felt like this month would never come. I understand that this may seem really soon after loosing Joshua and may even seem like we are trying to replace him. I can honestly tell you that we aren’t. He is irreplaceable. Our next baby will know that he or she has an older brother and know that they aren’t the oldest…Joshua is.

We are humbly asking for prayer again. Prayers for being able to get pregnant again in God’s perfect timing and that we will have a healthy baby that we will be able to raise.

Thank you again for all your prayers, encouragement and support that you have given to us with Joshua.

Love,

Jon and Kristin

Nothing has changed per say...yet our world is different

This past Wednesday marked 2 months since we lost Joshua. It's weird. We are both back to work. We still live in the same house (with the same mess), with our two dogs Molly and Belle. Our lives at home are the same...nothing had changed per say. But SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! Even though we didn't get to bring Joshua home with us, our life has changed...it will never be the same, and we don't want it to be. We are learning to adapt to our new normal. We are learning our limits and how to avoid meltdowns. (We are sorry to those that may feel neglected by us. We don't mean to be doing this. We are just learning to function again. I know that you understand this and are loving us through this).

We've learned that we have to slow down. We can't do as much as we use to. We've had to simplify our schedules. We are trying to make sure we get to bed fairly early. The lack of sleep makes grieving Joshua a lot harder.

We've started to exercise. This isn't a bad thing, but we've now needed to add this to our schedule. Just being able to burn off extra energy (and those extra calories) also helps to change our outlook on life. We've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred...well since starting it and weight watchers, I'm down 9 lbs and can get back into my jeans again. (only 13 more to go for pre-baby weight) When I'm down or just sad all I really want to do is stay home and clean, but getting out and walking really helps to take the sadness away.

Keeping our house and cars organized. This is a hard one for us. I like to clean, but am having trouble finding time to clean the way I like to (dusting the walls, scrubbing the floors, shampooing the carpet...you get the picture) which is way over the top, I know. Jon is having trouble remembering where things go now. I have to keep reminding him...we are trying to change from our old way of life to the new way. ha ha. (I love you Jon).

Most importantly staying in the Word. This hasn't really changed, but we are joining different Bible studies groups, which is changing up our schedule a bit, which is good and so refreshing.

So, with that said, when one of the above things are just slightly out of balance and a little bit of stress is added, our world is ROCKED, and not in a good way. Like the other day, I bought some new curtains for the bedroom and Jon brought the iron and ironing board upstairs for me to use. He then took them back downstairs, but didn't put them back in their place. Well, I needed to use them last night. I found the ironing board, but couldn't find the iron. I had to keep telling myself to calm down, breath, it is around here somewhere and that my world wasn't going to end. But just something stupid like that is enough to cause a major meltdown, and then it's really hard to get over it and all the emotions that come with it. (I want you all to know that I'm positive that I've done something like this to Jon too to make him panic, so it's not just one sided, I just can't think of any examples to share).

We've always have had pretty good communication, but it is even more important now. It's been good because when I have had a bad day or week, he's having a good one and vice versa.

God has been good to us and continues to be. I don't think that I've shared this with you, if I have, forgive me. I came across a packet of information from the specialist the other day. I never took the time to read it until now. As I was reading about babies with Potter's syndrome it states that most babies don't have a sex, are deformed (eyes on the side of their head, misshaped heads, club feet...) and only 1 in 1300 are born alive! Joshua was perfect. No deformities and he definitely had a sex and we got to spend 45 minutes with him. God has blessed us with so much. I still believe that God did heal my baby boy.

God is still answering our prayers. The main one was that our baby would be a follower of Christ and that their life would impact the Kingdom. Joshua's life has touched so many lives and still is. I was asked a couple of weeks ago to speak at the Michiana Association of Women's Ministries Convention. I said yes, I'll do it. (We told God that however He wanted to use us and our situation we would do whatever He wanted us to do). I was so humbled by this invitation, yet felt so inadequate. (I wondered if they really knew what they were getting themselves into)? Well, last night I was able to share my journey with Joshua and what God has done in my life. What a great time of healing...plus I got to talk about my son! (Who doesn't like talking about their children?!?) Thank you to this wonderful group of women who allowed me to come and share with them and to help me with my healing process!!! Also, thank you to all of those who knew that I was going to be doing this and for all of your prayers. They were felt and it was the strength of the Lord that I was able to do this. God is just so good and so faithful. Love, Kristin

Three Weeks Later

It has now been 3 weeks since the birth and death of Joshua. I enjoy sitting and remembering all that I was able to take in and treasure of him in that glorious hour we were able to spend with him. His sweet and masculine yet chubby little face, his little red eyelashes (which he got from his grandpa Gary), skinny and long body (which is from my side of the family), his feet and hands (which were miniature versions of his daddy's), his red perfectly shaped lips, his sweet little baby noises, the peaceful look that was always present on his face, Joshua opening his eyes to look at me while I was holding him and praying over him and telling him that I love him.

I miss our little boy. I miss not being pregnant with him. I miss not feeling him kick like a soccer player when we pray or when someone in the room is praying out loud. I miss not going to the doctors each week and hearing his precious little heartbeat. I miss not holding him in my arms...they seem very empty. I just miss him not being with me.

Even though we are sad and we do feel the loss of not having Joshua with us...it's a very peaceful sadness. It's not bad. We aren't feeling sorry for ourselves. We aren't jealous of others and we aren't angry. It's very hard to explain, but it is very good and we know that our Heavenly Father is holding us in the palm of His hand. Dealing with the death of Joshua is like nothing we've ever experienced before with death. It is very peaceful.

God has been so good and so faithful throughout this pregnancy. Joshua was a miracle from the very day that he was conceived (we believe this for all babies). When we found out we were pregnant our prayer was that our child would be a faithful Christ follower and that his life would impact the kingdom of God. We also told God that this was His baby. We continued this prayer for Joshua's life till the very end. Even though we didn't get the miracle that we hoped for in the end, God blessed us with so many miracles along the way and He continues to bless us. I just read up on Joshua's medical diagnosis again last week. He shouldn't have lived to full term, let alone live outside the womb for an hour. He should have been physically deformed and he wasn't. He was physically perfect...even his little wrinkled left ear.

God allowed Joshua's life to impact so many lives, including ours, and we are forever changed. How could one so little bring so many people to a better understanding of God? God used his life to bring healing to those who were hurting from previous losses, mending broken relationships. Our prayers were answered. God did NOT let us down. He did not fail us. He IS faithful, He IS true, He Is the Great Physician, He IS the Alpha and Omega, He IS our loving and caring father, He IS our protector, HE IS THE ALMIGHTY GOD!!!

Below is a link to a FREE PDF download of a booklet by J. Vernon McGee called Death of a Little Child. One of our good friends brought us a little booklet that her pastor gave her to give to us. (Thank you so much for giving it to us). After reading it several times I thought to myself I need to get more copies of this book for other people. If you have lost a child (whether it was a miscarriage, stillborn or if your child lived outside the womb) or you know someone who has had this type of a loss, I encourage you to read this booklet. It's 14 pages long so it won't take much time to read, but it is very good.
http://www.thruthebible.org/atf/cf/%7B91E2424C-636C-40C2-9C55-890588E90ECE%7D/Death%20of%20a%20Little%20Child.pdf

As we continue in this journey I will continue to share what we are experiencing and going through. We want to be transparent.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, encouragement and support. You all are amazing and we are so blessed. Love, Jon and Kristin