When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
This is the song that we sang today in church. It's also the story behind this song that was shared at Joshua's graveside service and if I remember, we also sang it. (Honestly, I remember some details like it was yesterday, and then other details are a blur). Regardless, this song means a lot to us. We are normally listening to and singing the Kutless version of this song (as we blare it from our ipod), but it's always nice to hear and sing the old hymnal version too.
When I sing this song, I mean every word of it, especially when it comes to my son...but today, as we sang the first verse "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul", I found myself unable to sing the words and anger just explode from my body in the form of tears. I immediately got up from my seat and went to the lady's room and stayed there until I heard that the song was over.
I said to you all that I would be transparent with my journey with Joshua. But there is something that I am not sharing, that is until now. I haven't had the right mindset or the right motives to do so. I am enraged with ANGER. I feel as if there is so much anger inside of me that people can smell it's awful stench radiating from me. I feel like this putrid smell just permeates from ever pour in my body. It's horrible to be filled with such anger and at some points even hatred. For the most part, this anger has been kept a secret. Yes a few close friends have known about my struggle. (Lord, thank you for those friends...the ones who have had to listen to me over and over again talk through the same thing...rehashing every single detail and always being so gracious just to sit there and listen to me over and over again. At times, I must sound like a broken record).
As I begin to share with you where this anger is coming from, you will probably be surprised. For the past several months I've wanted to share this, but not knowing how and appropriately sharing it. But this did happen to Jon and I, and this is part of our journey with Joshua.
Before I begin, I must make it VERY CLEAR that God is good...ALL THE TIME. He is perfect, we are not...even Christians...especially Christians. We may go to church on Sunday, believe the Bible and try to live our lives according to what the Bible says, but we ALL fall short...we ALL have areas that are in need of the Savior to come and cleanse...and once that area is cleansed, we as humans seem to mess it up again and need to be cleansed all over again. I've heard it said "why would I want to be a Christian, __________ (fill in the blank: you can't get along with each other, you're a bunch of hypocrite, you live your life no differently than the rest of the world, I'm not a Christian yet I'm a better person than ______... and so on). What I want you to know is that Christians are still humans, we all have a sinful nature and while we are on this side of heaven, we are going to screw up. We'll say and do things that we shouldn't and at times be the worst witnesses for Christ. BUT our eyes should not be on people or churches...it has to be set on GOD the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. If our eyes are set on God, He will never fail us, BUT if our eyes are set on man, we will always be failed.
With what I am about to share, is how "man" failed us...not how God did. Everything that I've shared about God and the amazing journey that He led us on has been very real and transparent.
So many of you have written to us through cards or e-mails have even called and just shared how Joshua and our journey has impacted your life. It has been wonderful and comforting to hear how God used our son in your life to impact you. But why is it when literally hundreds of positive comments, cards and notes of encouragement can turn to mean so much less when you are confronted by seven individuals who criticize you on how you handled your circumstance? I've been told that I'm fake, I don't deal with reality, that I have too much Faith, I'm too "Word of Faith" (never hearing this phrase prior to Joshua...and trust me, I've done a lot of research on this since hearing this as an "insult"), I'm hurting others feelings with my Faith, I am offensive in my Faith and that I have it all wrong when it comes to God. These seven people who have criticized us are believers. I believe that these people love the Lord, but these seven individuls did not walk this journey with us yet they sat back and watched us (not making any contact with us) read my blogs and after my son's death decided that it was time for them to share their thoughts with us and judge us.
I'm sharing this with you because we live in America, where there is a church on every corner. We live in a "Christian Nation". But we all have been "wounded by the church", almost everyone has their own personal story: we've been let down in our time of need, we've been gossipped about, things that shouldn't have ever been done were done in the "Name of Jesus". BUT this is not who God is. The only way to know who God is and His character is to be in His Word and spending time with Him. To know Him.
So, this is our hurt, our wound by a small community of believers...7 in total. Like I said before, hundreds of you have loved on us, prayed for us, supported us...I should be focused on the positive, but I've been consumed with the small negative.
I'm not sharing this with you to get compliments...I don't want that and it's not my intentions. I'm sharing with you that someimes when hard times come, sometimes you are let down and sometimes you are very wounded...and that's where we are right now.
So, when the beautiful song began to play and I began thinking of my beautiful son that I love and so much miss, and my Lord that I love and that I want to serve with all my heart, I couldn't sing "When peace like a river attendeth my way" becuase I feel like my peace was stolen from me by the things that have been said to us and that makes me so angry. It has made me question God and who He is. I've been to a very dark place, and I'm not back from it yet. It makes me angry with myself at how weak I am...how being persecuted by 7 individuals has rocked my world, my view on God and has had so much negative affect on my life and the grieving process with my son. I'm angry because I KNOW how God was with me, how He carried me, how He provided for me and how in a time of persecution I've failed Him and I listen to men and took my eyes off of Him. I HATE how these destractions have caused me not to grieve my son's death like I should have and that I'm just starting the process now.
The other night Jon and I were in the car and Angie Smith, the author of "I Will Carry You" was on the radio and talking about her daught Audrey. Jon and I just sat in the driveway, held eachothers hand and cried for 30 minutes as she spoke. I needed that. I needed to hear that someone else knew what we were feeling, I needed the memories to resurface of my baby and our journey with him. I needed that time to cry and reflect. I know that God gave me a special gift that night, because it was the one year anniversary of us getting Joshua's diagnosis. What a sweet and precious gift that God gave us at that moment.
Before I close, I want you to know that I am taking steps in working on this. I'm not willing to stay where I am and I refuse to go back to where I've been. I've decided that it is so important that I know for myself (not what others tell me) who God is. Yes, I know God and His character, but because of the things that have been said to me, my foundation has been shaken... there are cracks in my spiritual foundation. I'm rebuilding that foundation by reading the Bible through chronological order and trying to give back God control of my life. I've found it to be amazing and very encouraging and very fulfilling to do this.
So, here it is...all out on the table...the good, the bad and the ugly...the truth of what's in my heart and our journey.
If you smell an aweful stench around you...it's probably me and the anger that is still with me...but with God's help, we're working on it and one day may it be a beautiful aroma pleaseing to God.
Thank you all again for everything. You are amazing and may God just continue to bless each of you and your families.
With a Heart of Gratitude and Love,
Kristin
