May- Conquering Fear

Imagine your life, wholly untouched by angst. What if faith, not fear, was your default reaction to threats? If you could hover a fear magnet over your heart and extract every last shaving of dread, insecurity, or doubt, what would remain? Envision the day when you can trust more and fear less. Can you imagine your life without fear? -Max Lucado Fearless

Our Sunday school class at church is doing a book study on Max Lucado’s book Fearless. When I started reading it, I had no clue that the month of May would end up becoming the month to conquer some of my fears. God knows what we need and I guess it was time to step out again and let God work in some areas of my life. For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind, 2 Timothy 1:7.

I’m going to begin with Friday, April 30^th…I know it’s not May, but it was only one day away and it goes along with the topic…conquering fear. In mid April I was asked to speak at a women’s conference, sharing my journey with Joshua and my testimony of what God did in my life during this time. During our journey with Joshua we prayed that our lives would be used to further the kingdom of God and that souls would be won for the kingdom. I knew that with this prayer there was a possibility that that we’d be speaking. I pictured Jon speaking and me interjecting and giving the details that he’d leave out. (Sounds familiar huh? Ha ha) I had never thought that I might be going solo (with God’s help of course) on this adventure.

Growing up I cheered at a very large high school and a medium size college. I was use to being in front of large crowds and entertaining in this way…but when it came to speaking, that was a fear…a big fear I had. One day in college speech class I had to give a speech. There were only three people who showed up, the professor, one of my best friends from middle school and one other student. I stuttered through the whole speech, I was a nervous reck! I knew that sharing our story was something that God wanted me to do, so I said yes, stepping out in faith that God would guide my every word and give me the strength and courage to do this. With a lot of prayer, I was able to speak and share my story with some amazing and gracious woman. I am so thankful for this opportunity to share Joshua and the Lord with others. This event helped me to over come my fear of public speaking and was a very healing time.

Another fear that I’ve been able to conquer this month is my fear of tumbling. The last time that I tumbled was my freshman year in college (13 years ago) when I was doing a round off back handspring series and knocked myself out…literally. Since that happened, I was too afraid to tumble…even with two people spotting me. I’ve never tried to tumble again. Well, my friend Julianne told me that she was going to start taking an adult gymnastic class and I decided that I’d like to take it too. (Ok, I’m 31 years old with the desire to try and tumble again…what was I thinking?)

The first week I felt like a ton of bricks, literally (and looked like it too…just ask Julianne). I was full of fear and didn’t trust the instructor, but even more, I didn’t trust myself. During the next week I prayed about handing my fear over to Christ. I also would vision myself doing a perfect back hand spring in my mind over and over again, step by step. When I went to class the next week things went great…it was completely different than the week before. I felt confident and it felt good to be doing this again. Well, this week was another good week. Not only was I working on back handsprings again, but I was working on round off back hand springs. Even though I’m not tumbling by myself, (I am doing it with a spot) I am tumbling again and over coming my fears. As long as I can, I’m going to go to gymnastics at least a couple of times a month, just to continue with it and to try to tumble by myself. (That will be the next step of fear to overcome). I’m just so glad that I’m not afraid anymore and as of right now, if I were never to tumble again, I’ve left on a good note, not one full of fear.

(Another cool thing about this gymnastic class is that there is a lady in my class that I recognized, but couldn’t figure out from where. As we were talking I realized that she was one of my nurses that I had at the hospital when I had Joshua. Isn’t that awesome?!?)

Now this part isn’t about fear, but it’s about being real. I’ve said in previous posts, I’m going to be real about our situation with Joshua…I’m going to tell about the good times and the hard times. There isn’t any bad in all of this…just sad and hard times, BUT so much good has come from this, which greatly out weighs the sadness.

Mother’s Day was this month and it was really difficult. I knew that Mother’s Day was coming up, but I honestly didn’t think much of it. I’ve never been a big Hallmark holiday type of a gal, so why should this be any different, right? I had gotten a gift for each of our moms along with cards…but didn’t think anything about myself…that is until amazing family and friends went out of their way to bless me with many gifts, flowers, cards, phone calls and my wonderful husband spoiled me rotten making sure that my first Mother’s Day was special. THANK YOU so much to those who love me and loved me through this tough weekend.

Saturday Jon and I were able to just stay around the house and work and clean, which I love to do. Jon had to endure many meltdowns…I knew that I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t want to do anything, yet at the same time I didn’t want to do nothing. It was just a really hard and emotional day…a lot of tears and raw emotions, but so thankful for an awesome and understanding husband that knows me and loves me know matter what.

Like I’ve said before, nothing with the pregnancy or delivery of Joshua was bad…I only have good and positive things to say about it…it was a really good experience, a blessed experience, just with a selfish sadness for ourselves. Some of my emotions were that I just want my baby boy back, but I know that I can’t have him back. I just wanted to hold him one last time, tell him how much I love him. Joshua is a part of our family, he’s my son and I love him, but he is where everyone longs for their children and loved ones to be and that is heaven with Jesus.

This leads me to the final area of conquering fear for the month of May. We are aware that with my one kidney that medically speaking our chances of having another baby with Potter’s syndrome is greater than what it would be if I had both and that the doctors think that it’s genetic, not just a fluke. I know that my God is bigger than this problem and I have faith God will provide for us a healthy baby and that this is no longer going to be a problem in the future. We feel like God wants us to have a family, and that is what we want too. We aren’t afraid to try again…Joshua and his illness only brought love and joy. (With a moment of sadness).

So, with that said, we are officially trying again!!! We are so excited and felt like this month would never come. I understand that this may seem really soon after loosing Joshua and may even seem like we are trying to replace him. I can honestly tell you that we aren’t. He is irreplaceable. Our next baby will know that he or she has an older brother and know that they aren’t the oldest…Joshua is.

We are humbly asking for prayer again. Prayers for being able to get pregnant again in God’s perfect timing and that we will have a healthy baby that we will be able to raise.

Thank you again for all your prayers, encouragement and support that you have given to us with Joshua.

Love,

Jon and Kristin

Nothing has changed per say...yet our world is different

This past Wednesday marked 2 months since we lost Joshua. It's weird. We are both back to work. We still live in the same house (with the same mess), with our two dogs Molly and Belle. Our lives at home are the same...nothing had changed per say. But SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! Even though we didn't get to bring Joshua home with us, our life has changed...it will never be the same, and we don't want it to be. We are learning to adapt to our new normal. We are learning our limits and how to avoid meltdowns. (We are sorry to those that may feel neglected by us. We don't mean to be doing this. We are just learning to function again. I know that you understand this and are loving us through this).

We've learned that we have to slow down. We can't do as much as we use to. We've had to simplify our schedules. We are trying to make sure we get to bed fairly early. The lack of sleep makes grieving Joshua a lot harder.

We've started to exercise. This isn't a bad thing, but we've now needed to add this to our schedule. Just being able to burn off extra energy (and those extra calories) also helps to change our outlook on life. We've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred...well since starting it and weight watchers, I'm down 9 lbs and can get back into my jeans again. (only 13 more to go for pre-baby weight) When I'm down or just sad all I really want to do is stay home and clean, but getting out and walking really helps to take the sadness away.

Keeping our house and cars organized. This is a hard one for us. I like to clean, but am having trouble finding time to clean the way I like to (dusting the walls, scrubbing the floors, shampooing the carpet...you get the picture) which is way over the top, I know. Jon is having trouble remembering where things go now. I have to keep reminding him...we are trying to change from our old way of life to the new way. ha ha. (I love you Jon).

Most importantly staying in the Word. This hasn't really changed, but we are joining different Bible studies groups, which is changing up our schedule a bit, which is good and so refreshing.

So, with that said, when one of the above things are just slightly out of balance and a little bit of stress is added, our world is ROCKED, and not in a good way. Like the other day, I bought some new curtains for the bedroom and Jon brought the iron and ironing board upstairs for me to use. He then took them back downstairs, but didn't put them back in their place. Well, I needed to use them last night. I found the ironing board, but couldn't find the iron. I had to keep telling myself to calm down, breath, it is around here somewhere and that my world wasn't going to end. But just something stupid like that is enough to cause a major meltdown, and then it's really hard to get over it and all the emotions that come with it. (I want you all to know that I'm positive that I've done something like this to Jon too to make him panic, so it's not just one sided, I just can't think of any examples to share).

We've always have had pretty good communication, but it is even more important now. It's been good because when I have had a bad day or week, he's having a good one and vice versa.

God has been good to us and continues to be. I don't think that I've shared this with you, if I have, forgive me. I came across a packet of information from the specialist the other day. I never took the time to read it until now. As I was reading about babies with Potter's syndrome it states that most babies don't have a sex, are deformed (eyes on the side of their head, misshaped heads, club feet...) and only 1 in 1300 are born alive! Joshua was perfect. No deformities and he definitely had a sex and we got to spend 45 minutes with him. God has blessed us with so much. I still believe that God did heal my baby boy.

God is still answering our prayers. The main one was that our baby would be a follower of Christ and that their life would impact the Kingdom. Joshua's life has touched so many lives and still is. I was asked a couple of weeks ago to speak at the Michiana Association of Women's Ministries Convention. I said yes, I'll do it. (We told God that however He wanted to use us and our situation we would do whatever He wanted us to do). I was so humbled by this invitation, yet felt so inadequate. (I wondered if they really knew what they were getting themselves into)? Well, last night I was able to share my journey with Joshua and what God has done in my life. What a great time of healing...plus I got to talk about my son! (Who doesn't like talking about their children?!?) Thank you to this wonderful group of women who allowed me to come and share with them and to help me with my healing process!!! Also, thank you to all of those who knew that I was going to be doing this and for all of your prayers. They were felt and it was the strength of the Lord that I was able to do this. God is just so good and so faithful. Love, Kristin