This past Wednesday marked 2 months since we lost Joshua. It's weird. We are both back to work. We still live in the same house (with the same mess), with our two dogs Molly and Belle. Our lives at home are the same...nothing had changed per say. But SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! Even though we didn't get to bring Joshua home with us, our life has changed...it will never be the same, and we don't want it to be. We are learning to adapt to our new normal. We are learning our limits and how to avoid meltdowns. (We are sorry to those that may feel neglected by us. We don't mean to be doing this. We are just learning to function again. I know that you understand this and are loving us through this).
We've learned that we have to slow down. We can't do as much as we use to. We've had to simplify our schedules. We are trying to make sure we get to bed fairly early. The lack of sleep makes grieving Joshua a lot harder.
We've started to exercise. This isn't a bad thing, but we've now needed to add this to our schedule. Just being able to burn off extra energy (and those extra calories) also helps to change our outlook on life. We've been doing Jillian Michael's 30 day shred...well since starting it and weight watchers, I'm down 9 lbs and can get back into my jeans again. (only 13 more to go for pre-baby weight) When I'm down or just sad all I really want to do is stay home and clean, but getting out and walking really helps to take the sadness away.
Keeping our house and cars organized. This is a hard one for us. I like to clean, but am having trouble finding time to clean the way I like to (dusting the walls, scrubbing the floors, shampooing the carpet...you get the picture) which is way over the top, I know. Jon is having trouble remembering where things go now. I have to keep reminding him...we are trying to change from our old way of life to the new way. ha ha. (I love you Jon).
Most importantly staying in the Word. This hasn't really changed, but we are joining different Bible studies groups, which is changing up our schedule a bit, which is good and so refreshing.
So, with that said, when one of the above things are just slightly out of balance and a little bit of stress is added, our world is ROCKED, and not in a good way. Like the other day, I bought some new curtains for the bedroom and Jon brought the iron and ironing board upstairs for me to use. He then took them back downstairs, but didn't put them back in their place. Well, I needed to use them last night. I found the ironing board, but couldn't find the iron. I had to keep telling myself to calm down, breath, it is around here somewhere and that my world wasn't going to end. But just something stupid like that is enough to cause a major meltdown, and then it's really hard to get over it and all the emotions that come with it. (I want you all to know that I'm positive that I've done something like this to Jon too to make him panic, so it's not just one sided, I just can't think of any examples to share).
We've always have had pretty good communication, but it is even more important now. It's been good because when I have had a bad day or week, he's having a good one and vice versa.
God has been good to us and continues to be. I don't think that I've shared this with you, if I have, forgive me. I came across a packet of information from the specialist the other day. I never took the time to read it until now. As I was reading about babies with Potter's syndrome it states that most babies don't have a sex, are deformed (eyes on the side of their head, misshaped heads, club feet...) and only 1 in 1300 are born alive! Joshua was perfect. No deformities and he definitely had a sex and we got to spend 45 minutes with him. God has blessed us with so much. I still believe that God did heal my baby boy.
God is still answering our prayers. The main one was that our baby would be a follower of Christ and that their life would impact the Kingdom. Joshua's life has touched so many lives and still is. I was asked a couple of weeks ago to speak at the Michiana Association of Women's Ministries Convention. I said yes, I'll do it. (We told God that however He wanted to use us and our situation we would do whatever He wanted us to do). I was so humbled by this invitation, yet felt so inadequate. (I wondered if they really knew what they were getting themselves into)? Well, last night I was able to share my journey with Joshua and what God has done in my life. What a great time of healing...plus I got to talk about my son! (Who doesn't like talking about their children?!?) Thank you to this wonderful group of women who allowed me to come and share with them and to help me with my healing process!!! Also, thank you to all of those who knew that I was going to be doing this and for all of your prayers. They were felt and it was the strength of the Lord that I was able to do this. God is just so good and so faithful. Love, Kristin
It is very hard to get into your "new normal". I can remember sitting at work (and this still happens) just thinking about everyone else there and how their lives were just the same as before and my whole entire world was different. Its amazing just how much everything changes. Everything. That is wonderful that you get to share your story. It seems to help with the healing in ways. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteYou did an awesome job speaking at the Womens Convention. What a blessing you were to all that attended. Thank you for sharing your story! This was also the first time I had heard Dustin and Kaila sing the song for Joshua, what a blessing they are as well. And on a side note, I have the 30 day shred too and have not started it yet (I bought it in January!) You are motivating me to get started, so thank you!
ReplyDeleteBelinda Dean (Dustin't aunt)