Three Weeks Later

It has now been 3 weeks since the birth and death of Joshua. I enjoy sitting and remembering all that I was able to take in and treasure of him in that glorious hour we were able to spend with him. His sweet and masculine yet chubby little face, his little red eyelashes (which he got from his grandpa Gary), skinny and long body (which is from my side of the family), his feet and hands (which were miniature versions of his daddy's), his red perfectly shaped lips, his sweet little baby noises, the peaceful look that was always present on his face, Joshua opening his eyes to look at me while I was holding him and praying over him and telling him that I love him.

I miss our little boy. I miss not being pregnant with him. I miss not feeling him kick like a soccer player when we pray or when someone in the room is praying out loud. I miss not going to the doctors each week and hearing his precious little heartbeat. I miss not holding him in my arms...they seem very empty. I just miss him not being with me.

Even though we are sad and we do feel the loss of not having Joshua with us...it's a very peaceful sadness. It's not bad. We aren't feeling sorry for ourselves. We aren't jealous of others and we aren't angry. It's very hard to explain, but it is very good and we know that our Heavenly Father is holding us in the palm of His hand. Dealing with the death of Joshua is like nothing we've ever experienced before with death. It is very peaceful.

God has been so good and so faithful throughout this pregnancy. Joshua was a miracle from the very day that he was conceived (we believe this for all babies). When we found out we were pregnant our prayer was that our child would be a faithful Christ follower and that his life would impact the kingdom of God. We also told God that this was His baby. We continued this prayer for Joshua's life till the very end. Even though we didn't get the miracle that we hoped for in the end, God blessed us with so many miracles along the way and He continues to bless us. I just read up on Joshua's medical diagnosis again last week. He shouldn't have lived to full term, let alone live outside the womb for an hour. He should have been physically deformed and he wasn't. He was physically perfect...even his little wrinkled left ear.

God allowed Joshua's life to impact so many lives, including ours, and we are forever changed. How could one so little bring so many people to a better understanding of God? God used his life to bring healing to those who were hurting from previous losses, mending broken relationships. Our prayers were answered. God did NOT let us down. He did not fail us. He IS faithful, He IS true, He Is the Great Physician, He IS the Alpha and Omega, He IS our loving and caring father, He IS our protector, HE IS THE ALMIGHTY GOD!!!

Below is a link to a FREE PDF download of a booklet by J. Vernon McGee called Death of a Little Child. One of our good friends brought us a little booklet that her pastor gave her to give to us. (Thank you so much for giving it to us). After reading it several times I thought to myself I need to get more copies of this book for other people. If you have lost a child (whether it was a miscarriage, stillborn or if your child lived outside the womb) or you know someone who has had this type of a loss, I encourage you to read this booklet. It's 14 pages long so it won't take much time to read, but it is very good.
http://www.thruthebible.org/atf/cf/%7B91E2424C-636C-40C2-9C55-890588E90ECE%7D/Death%20of%20a%20Little%20Child.pdf

As we continue in this journey I will continue to share what we are experiencing and going through. We want to be transparent.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, encouragement and support. You all are amazing and we are so blessed. Love, Jon and Kristin